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ConnectedMoms.com Forums - Blogs http://www.connectedmoms.com/blog.php Connected Moms is a supportive online community for moms of all kinds. Enjoy forums, chat, photos, Buddy Groups, blogs, recipes, product reviews and more. en Fri, 18 May 2012 13:22:57 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.connectedmoms.com/images/styles/Aesthetica/misc/rss.jpg ConnectedMoms.com Forums - Blogs http://www.connectedmoms.com/blog.php There are days... http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7128-There-are-days Thu, 24 Nov 2011 05:16:47 GMT And today was one of them. I thought we'd have a nice family day. We were all home from our respective jobs/school and just planned to relax. Oscar found/possibly introduced a virus on my computer this morning and spent half the day getting rid of it:?. We discovered yesterday that he paid several bills using checks from our old, closed checking account:doh:. One of them was the electric bill, and I told him that we could drive down the road a mile and pay it at the city hall. I've been there before and knew exactly where to go. He didn't say that he didn't believe me, but he double checked the address before we left, and when I pointed out the building and said, "Turn here" he said, "I don't see and APS sign" and he kept of driving and went around the block until he found a sign:bang:. I got so pissed. He has absolutely no faith or belief in anything I say. Even something little like where the APS office is. I kept asking him why he didn't turn, and he kept saying that he didn't see a sign.:bang: You don't need to see a sign if you believe that I know what I am talking about! ARGH! I told him that what he was saying was total bullshit (in front of Malena:cry:), and that he simply has no faith in me. I know I was blowing it out of proportion, but it felt like I'd been kicked in the face. He turned around and screamed at me. I don't even remember what he said, but I do remember that that the word "f*ck" was part of it, all of this in front of Malena :cry:. I am so ashamed of both of us. When he screamed at me, he honestly terrified me:(. I instantly backed down, told him that we both needed to calm down. He went in to pay the bill, and we went about the rest of the day as if the argument hadn't occurred. It made me so sad, though, that when Oscar went inside to pay the bill and I apologized for arguing in front of her, she basically told me that I was all wrong and her Daddy was right.:( :cry: I don't know what to do with that. Oscar is the cool, fun parent and I am the parent that pushes, the one that tells her to clean up her room and pick up after herself, etc. I am terrified that when the day comes that I actually do get the balls to leave that the judge will ask which parent she wants to be with and she will say him because he is the fun parent who almost never requires anything from her.

It was a pretty shitty day, but in the evening, right before sunset, she asked me to go outside and throw the football with her. She is definitely the class tomboy and plays touch football with the boys in her class at school. She wants to learn how to throw a spiral, so we went out front and threw the ball around for a while. It was a very nice way to finish what was otherwise a rotten day. ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7128-There-are-days The dreaded yearly post... http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7064-The-dreaded-yearly-post Sat, 06 Aug 2011 23:55:54 GMT Those dreaded anniversaries came and went with little fanfare this year. You know... The anniversary of finding out there was no heartbeat (July... Those dreaded anniversaries came and went with little fanfare this year. You know... The anniversary of finding out there was no heartbeat (July 30th) and then the subsequent delivery (August 2nd). I didn't make my usual post about how much I miss my boy for several reasons. 1) It's been four years. Time to start moving on. Not forgetting, of course, but not dwelling on it all the time either. 2) The ongoing pain of not being able to conceive anymore children is never ending, but I don't want to inflict that pain on everyone else. I guess this loss and all the pain it caused has become a bit more private for me. 3) I was on vacation and was (thankfully) distracted from dwelling on things too much. I took a moment at the end of the day (Aug. 2) to say a prayer for my boy and quietly remember all the joy and pain, but I didn't make a big deal about it.

So, to those of you who reached out to me to say that you were thinking of me in the past week, many :hug: and :kiss:. I definitely appreciate the support and care I receive from all my Cmoms:), even if I am not putting myself out there about this topic any longer. ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7064-The-dreaded-yearly-post Getting kind of excited about possibly going back to school! http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7063-Getting-kind-of-excited-about-possibly-going-back-to-school! Fri, 05 Aug 2011 06:05:05 GMT I really want this. I think the school setting would be good for me since I've got such a weird sleep schedule right now. I think having something to do each day will help me get a bit healthier.

Ugh! I need to lose so much weight! Was at the doc's office today to discuss possible sleep apnea with him. Waiting on the company to call and schedule to drop an oximeter by so we can easily check if I need to go in for the longer sleep study. Paul says I stop breathing while I'm sleeping (and that's one of the signs I looked for when I had him checked for sleep apnea a few years back!) That and the snoring. And according to my sister, I sound like a freight train. *sigh* I guess if I have sleep apnea, I have it. And maybe that might explain why I'm so tired all the time.

The scale was pretty viscious to me at the doc's office. I can't believe what my weight has climbed to. Hopefully, with some meds changes we are making I can start sleeping a little less and have a bit more energy so I can get some exercise going on. I really need to lose about 150 lbs. And more probably wouldn't hurt. One small step at a time. Gotta get moving first. But gotta be able to breathe doing it too.

My blood pressure was also higher than I like to see it. Still within normal range but at least 6 pts higher on my systolic and diastolic. I'm not worried about it really but it bothers me that it's higher than it should be. Of course, so is my weight. I've gained about 40 lbs in the last 6 months or so and it's taking a toll on me. I get winded so badly coming up the stairs to the apartment. And I need to do it about 20 times a day besides go walking but I get so winded and have such little energy that it's been hard.

Doc told me to make Paul take me out for a walk when he gets in from work each day but unless he starts keeping to his 9 pm come home it isn't gonna happen. It's midnight and he's still at work! *sigh* And he could use the walking too. But he's been losing weight thanks to a med he takes that causes him to be nauseous before he's finished eating. I think he lost the 40 lbs I found! :P

I'm excited for school to start for Bria. She's gonna be in high school and hopefully she'll be able to keep up in her classes. We're gonna try to make sure she's in bed at a decent hour and that she has her breakfast before school along with her ADD/ADHD meds. And also make sure she's got dedicated homework time. And help if she needs it/when she needs it. ]]> Dani http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7063-Getting-kind-of-excited-about-possibly-going-back-to-school! Learning something new http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7059-Learning-something-new Sun, 31 Jul 2011 06:50:20 GMT I've been working sporadically on Java programming the last week. It's something I talked with Paul about going to school to learn - well, not just Java but computer programming and all it entails. It's something I am very interested in and hope I can grasp it all well enough to write simple programs. I don't want to get a job at a big company writing programs, I'm more interested in learning it just for me for now but who knows where this might lead. I know I definitely want to work with computers though.

My nephew and SIL are both studying Java programming in a college class they are taking and it was a link that DN shared that got me started actually working with Java. I'm using some Youtube tuts posted by a guy. He's got 87 posted just for learning Java programming. I'm only up thru lesson 7. The lessons are simple and short but I want to make sure that I retain the needed information from each lesson before moving on too quickly. So, I've done the first 7 lessons twice now; first on Bria's laptop and now on my own. And I'm finding that I am remembering more and more each time I go thru the lessons.

I guess it's not a totally new concept to me as I have done html coding and bb coding in the past. I wish I'd done more of them though as it's been a while and I'm finding myself very dusty.

And rambling another way...

My mother is pissing me off. I've tried calling her about 6 times since I left Arkansas to go to Pennsylvania and then come home and she won't answer my calls. Undoubtedly she's upset about something and holding a grudge though what she could be mad about is beyond me. My dad made excuses for her when I spoke to him about it. Said her cell phone battery was dead that day but I KNOW my mom hasn't just kept her cell with a dead battery for the last 3 weeks. She needs to get off her high horse and communicate though I know from her past that she won't until she's good and ready. When my sister left the Lutheran religion for the church she belongs to now (15 yrs ago), my mom went 2 whole years w/out talking to my sister. If I brought her up to my mom, Mom was quick to change the subject. 2 YEARS! I don't have 2 years to wait to talk to my mom. She isn't in the best of health physically and mentally... well, I'm worried about her. She's been depressed for years and now her physical health is really taking a toll on her. It took her from Oct to May to get over bronchitis and her doc wanted her on an updraft machine for at least a week (that she didn't do cuz she didn't have the $ for the machine). :( I'm worried about her. ]]> Dani http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7059-Learning-something-new <![CDATA[I just couldn't figure out why I was feeling that way...]]> http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7042-I-just-couldn-t-figure-out-why-I-was-feeling-that-way Sun, 10 Jul 2011 07:54:33 GMT On the trip out to Disneyland, I was looking at the mountains and I remembered feeling hopeful and excited. I couldn't figure out why the mountains of the Mohave Desert would make me feel that way and I gave it considerable thought. Finally, I realized that the last time that we travelled to LA was in April of 2007, and I was pregnant. I was excited and happy and had so many plans. I remember thinking about maternity clothes and onesies and decorating a nursery as we drove down that barren road and being on top of the world. Of course, we all know how this story ends.

I can't explain to anyone who has not lost a pregnancy the scar it leaves on your soul. Then to not be able to conceive or maintain a pregnancy after that loss damages your faith in yourself and you body and it's ability to do much of ANYTHING correctly. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain and regret on anyone. I work very hard to focus on day to day joys with Malena and even with Oscar, believe it or not. I try to make the most of the time I have with people I love. But, tonight, thinking back on that trip filled with anticipation and expectation, I realize that I am a completely different person than I was 4 years ago. My heart has been broken so very many times since then, what with miscarriages, and issues with Oscar, and my brother's problems. I feel broken and wonder if I'll ever find that level of joy or anticipation for anything in my life again. ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7042-I-just-couldn-t-figure-out-why-I-was-feeling-that-way Reprieve http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7005-Reprieve Fri, 20 May 2011 21:41:51 GMT Oscar had agreed to counseling. He is out of town all next week, so our appt will be Thursday in two weeks. I think I'll learn a lot from the session, which happens to be with a male counselor. I'm hoping to get some insight into whether or not Oscar is actually willing to work for this marriage or if he's just waiting to see if I'll leave or not. I honestly think it is that latter of the two. There has been no movement on the MIL or financial fronts and his month is almost up.*sigh* I asked him about issues with MIL today and he pretty much didn't want to talk about it.

Gotta run. Working tonight. More later. ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/7005-Reprieve Comes the Dawn http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6999-Comes-the-Dawn Wed, 11 May 2011 16:39:07 GMT I remember reading this poem in high school during a particularly torturous breakup with my boyfriend. I liked it so much that I wrote it out in...

I remember reading this poem in high school during a particularly torturous breakup with my boyfriend. I liked it so much that I wrote it out in calligraphy and pasted it to the cover of my senior book. That senior book is long lost, and I hadn't thought of the poem in years, but I was looking at my senior yearbook this morning and came across a quote from the poem next to the picture of one of my good friends. I realized how appropriate it is for the place where I am in my life, and even though it is simple and the metaphors are obvious, I love it all over again.

Comes The Dawn
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye you learn.

]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6999-Comes-the-Dawn I guess I have a deadline... http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6987-I-guess-I-have-a-deadline Tue, 26 Apr 2011 05:49:48 GMT

C&P from my post in the forums. It felt significant enough to put in my blog.

This might belong in the Blue Room, but I'm not sad about this decision, so I'm putting it in relationships.

I don't know if this was the right thing to do or not, but I've been feeling so helpless, so I put to use what little power I have left in our relationship.:anxious:

FWIW, I don't want to leave this relationship until I know for sure that it is the right thing to do for Malena's sake. Her happiness and stability are my ultimate goal.

Easter was hard for me this year. I worked 10 hours, then came home, texted Oscar that I was home and waited for more than 2 hours for he and Malena to get home from the IL's house. The time that I got to spend with her was the 30 minutes before bed... ie. bath,brush teeth, etc. They didn't even think to bring me any leftovers*sigh*.

During that time, I thought about the situation with his family, and the situation with our money being split (neither of which I am happy about), and I decided to put my foot down. I told him that the situation made me feel like dirt... Like a third class citizen within my marriage and family. And, I made it clear that he is the person who needs to resolve everything. And, until he does, I've cut him off... In the most important way:anxious:. No more sex until the situation is resolved, and he has to be the one to jump in and mediate between his family and I. HE has to be the one to say that we will be sharing our money again, ie. add me to his personal account. It's all on him now. I also told him that if nothing had been resolved within the next month, I'd have my answer.:sad:

His response was to look at porn on the computer. *sigh*

]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6987-I-guess-I-have-a-deadline Getting stronger, faster, and not losing hardly any weight...:( http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6983-Getting-stronger-faster-and-not-losing-hardly-any-weight-( Thu, 21 Apr 2011 04:52:44 GMT So, we started hiking in the middle of February. We hike for almost 2 hours (up an down) at least 3 times per week. I weighed 164lbs when we started... So, we started hiking in the middle of February. We hike for almost 2 hours (up an down) at least 3 times per week. I weighed 164lbs when we started hiking. Then, Malena had spring break for two weeks in the middle of March, then I went to Texas for the next two weeks. I came back and started hiking again last Thursday after not hiking for a month and I have hiked 5 times since then. I now weigh 160.5, but I lost most of that a few weeks ago when I had a stomach bug:? and have managed to not gain it back:). So, it really feels I'm not losing much weight at all:bang:. But, I am STARVING when I get down from the mountain, and almost always eat a big lunch and try for a smaller dinner. It's the snacks that are killing me.

The good news is that I am getting much stronger, muscularly and cardiovascularly. Hiking that mountain absolutely KILLED me the first week. I was panting and plodding and really struggled the first few times. It was getting easier just before Malena's spring break, and I picked up right where I left off when I got home from Texas. That really surprised me:shock:. I figured I'd have lost a lot of my muscle and cardio improvement over that month. Oddly enough, I feel GREAT. I've even started taking parts of the uphill climb at a jog:shock:. I push harder every day and have much more energy than I did before we started hiking. I just wish I was more willing to control my eating so that I would lose weight faster.:? I have no will power.

Looking on the bright side, at least I am exercising (and enjoying it!), so that means my PCOS isn't doing as much harm to my vascular system.:1up: And, I HAVE lost a FEW pounds, and kept them off. Now, if I could only lose 20 more lbs... One pound at a time, Reba. One pound at a time... ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6983-Getting-stronger-faster-and-not-losing-hardly-any-weight-( On Top of the World http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6912-On-Top-of-the-World Fri, 11 Feb 2011 03:40:58 GMT Tuesday morning I woke up to a text from my workout buddy that she was feeling chipper, so we were, "going to climb Mt. Everest, so you better prepare yourself." :lol: Apparently, she used to hike in college and she hauled me 20 miles into town (the mountain is in the center of town, 7th Ave and Peoria to those of you who've lived/live here). And, we spent almost an hour REALLY climbing. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. Those lunges I've been doing have really helped! We were both amazed at how good we felt, even as we were hiking and really pushing ourselves.

So, we decided to do the same hike the very next morning. UGH. It was sheer agony. All those sore muscles from the day before ached and twinged and pretty much made both of us miserable! But, we finished (with much complaining.) My friend is very... verbal:lol: when she is in pain. I know how to take her humor, but anyone listening to us as we climb would think that she hates me:lol:. I tend to stay chipper and positive, even when it really hurts. I am the drill sargeant most of the time, keeping her going when she wants to stop. And... She whines:lol:. But, when the going gets rough, she gets mad! Not angry at me, but angry at the mountain for being so steep, or angry at herself for being so out of shape. So, we were hiking along, breathing heavily, really pushing, and I was was still maintaining a lively conversation, mostly with myself. All of a sudden, she busts out with, "If you keep talking, I am going to bash your head into the mountain!" :shock: :lol: Thankfully, I know that she isn't serious:anxious::lol:. When ever she says something like that, she always apologizes later, and I always tell her that I know she was talking to the mountain, not to me:). We actually match each other well as workout partners. She knows that I never take her seriously, and I know that she rarely means what she says. We laugh about it all the time:).

Anyway, we went running today, and it hurt, but I am feeling better and stronger everyday. Haven't loss much weight, but I guess how I feel is more important.

Here are some pics from the hike:)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?id...307&aid=268887 ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6912-On-Top-of-the-World Sidelined... http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6904-Sidelined Tue, 01 Feb 2011 17:47:44 GMT I had to miss a day of exercise last week because I was sick, then another on Friday because of Malena's award assembly:heart:. I thought all that rest would have be ready to go Monday morning, but that was not at all the case. My knees absolutely ached when I started running, and my ankle hurt, too. Sunday was a really long day at work, and I didn't get much recovery time. And, I had a margarita with friends after work, so I am sure I paid for that too:nono::lol:. I guess I am not too young to start taking glucosamine and chondroitin, though, because my joints are really causing me problems. I didn't walk/run nearly as much as I wanted to yesterday, and my exercise partner has sick kids this morning, so I am on my own today. Haven't done anything yet:?. I do need to go sofa shopping, so I think I'll do that, rest my knees and ankles, and start fresh tomorrow:?.

Oscar is out of town for the week. It's kind of a nice break from all the tension that's been building in the house lately. Malena is pushing so hard to be independent in every way:(. I wish my baby would stay little for a bit longer. I'll have to post video footage of the awards ceremony. She got the Citizenship Award. When she went to stand by the other two children from her class who received awards, she was LITERALLY head and shoulders taller than they were! I can't believe how big she is! She seems to be thinning out a bit, but not always making the best choices about food still. Oscar still isn't the best influence in the world, but neither am I. I try to make sure we always have healthy food to snack on, and even if she has mac n cheese for dinner, I make sure she eats her fruits and veggies first:). I'll have to post new pictures soon.

Off to shop for sofas! ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6904-Sidelined 13 minute run!!! http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6895-13-minute-run!!! Mon, 24 Jan 2011 22:32:26 GMT My exercise is continuing to go well. I tweaked my knee last week, but it hasn't stopped me. It's not painful, just annoying. My ankle is much better:huh:. I got new inserts for my shoes, though, so maybe that's why. We ran for 13 minutes this morning! For seasoned runners, that's no big deal, but for me, that sounds like FOREVER! And, I think I could have gone farther, but my workout partner was really struggling, so we stopped. She is a bit heavier than I am, so I completely understand. I like to think we push one another to be better and work harder:).

Things haven't changed much at home:?. I am still estranged from Oscar's family, but I am really considering taking matters into my own hands and calling Oscar's mother and seeing if she'd be interested in meeting for coffee to talk. How much worse can it get? ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6895-13-minute-run!!! Inspired! http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6886-Inspired! Thu, 20 Jan 2011 18:07:52 GMT One of my good friends went bootcamp on me and insisted that she and I started walking/running 5 days a week in the mornings:shock:. I walked with... One of my good friends went bootcamp on me and insisted that she and I started walking/running 5 days a week in the mornings:shock:. I walked with her last Friday and this week on Tuesday and Wednesday (Monday was MLK Day). I am SORE! We are only running for a few minutes of the 1-1 1/2 hours that we are out there, but I can definitely tell that we are getting stronger:).

Bummer that my achilles tendon is killing me, but I am icing it and stretching tons before the workout now, so it shouldn't be an issue. I did skip this mornings walk in order to let my ankle rest, but I'll be back at it tomorrow.

My scale isn't the best in the world. It says that I've lost about a pound, and I am happy with that. Hopefully it is right:wink::lol:. I haven't altered my diet much and continue to make typically crappy choices:roll:, but I can't change everything all at once, so I'll get set with the exercising and then start modifying my diet.

Anyway, it's all a step in the right direction! It sure helps to have someone to workout with and keep me accountable, though! ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6886-Inspired! Finding My Christmas Spirit http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6834-Finding-My-Christmas-Spirit Mon, 20 Dec 2010 03:21:45 GMT I have been waiting for the Christmas spirit to settle in, but it's been a struggle this year. A big part of Christmas for me is singing Christmas hymns in church, and it's been so long since I got to go to church during the Christmas season (I ALWAYS have to work Sunday mornings:(, at least for the last 5 years) that every year I've found it harder and harder to find my Christmas cheer. But, I finally found a bit of holiday cheer this evening. But, let me back up.

Today was a difficult day at work for several reasons. I woke up feeling rotten. Scratchy throat, stuffy nose, hacking cough... Ugh. Anyhow, I got to work at 8am and was really hopeful that I'd actully get off at my cut time of 1:30pm. I'm never off that early, and I was looking forward to making the children's play at our church at 3pm. Well, we were very busy at work, and at one point I looked at my watch and it was already 2:30pm and the lobby was still full of people waiting for a table! ACK! One of my last tables was 13 people who wanted their check split 6 different ways... And they each had a BOGO coupon.:roll::roll::roll:. Some people, I swear! And, of course, they only tipped on the discounted amount rather than the full amount... The whole day basically sucked. I finally walked out the door at 4:10pm, raced home and changed clothes and raced to our church. I'd missed the play, but I made it there just in time to meet Oscar, Malena, and my best friend for the hayride/Christmas carolling. Our church Christmas carols at the homes of some of our more house-bound parishoners. At the first ho use, after we'd sung our couple of hymns we finished with "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and I had tears rolling down my face. My best friend put her arm around me and gave me a big hug, and I felt so much better. All the negativity from the day washed away and the music and companionship and Christmas spirit finally filled my heart. It was wonderful, and I felt like a part of me that I'd been missing finally fell into place:heart:.

The carolling was followed up with hot chocolate and a visit from a VERY FAT Santa! :lol: Malena had a blast:heart:, and I finally found my Christmas Spirit:). ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6834-Finding-My-Christmas-Spirit <![CDATA[I can't help it...]]> http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6733-I-can-t-help-it Wed, 13 Oct 2010 14:00:41 GMT I often wonder what Robert would be like today... I am always thinking about how old he'd be, and what he'd be doing (probably driving me crazy!) and what he would look like, and whether he'd be a talker or the shy, silent type. It is hard not to think about what could have been. It really is. Most of the time I focus on the joys of what I have, but I occasionally find myself thinking about what I missed out on. I wanted a boy so badly:(. I wanted to have a Mamma's boy the way Malena is her Daddy's girl. Sounds goofy, I know, but I knew in my heart that my relationship with my son wouldn't be so frustrating, because I wouldn't be looking for myself within him.

Anyway, this morning I am thinking about Robert. I miss him and wish he was here, but since he isn't, I'll focus all my positive energy on the blessings I do have. But, I still miss my boy:(. ]]> Reba88 http://www.connectedmoms.com/entry.php/6733-I-can-t-help-it